A Look Back

I know this might seem strange to post a look back at 2019 now that we are in 2020, a little late to the ball you might say… but I really wanted to look back over the year and time got away from me with posting… better late than never though. My goal this 2020 is to go for things more. To take the initiative way more often and not just wait around. I find sometimes I want to do things, but wait around and then when I see other’s doing exciting things I get a bit resentful and feel like I’m missing out… so no more of that! We are going for it this year. Onwards and upwards!

 

January and February were both exciting months when I really started being more intentional with writing on my blog. I had gone through a breakup last December and so those two months were full of so many emotions I wanted to capture so I wrote a lot! I love looking back on some of those posts still and remember how I was feeling in the moment, my thought process, and my self-awakening.

2019 was a year of loss, of self-discovery, of stretching, but also my phoenix year. I have never felt this confident and secure in my person before. Growing up I always thought I was only as good as the person I was hanging out with wanted me to be. I was super quiet, very unconfident, etc. This year has been such a change, I have learned that it is not vain or proud to be secure in myself and know I am incredible. I was created in God’s image so why wouldn’t I be incredible. You cannot pour from an empty cup either so in no way is it selfish to take time for yourself first to regroup, recharge… learn to love yourself and all you have to offer!

 

March was really when the year started changing for me. My parents went to Guatemala to visit my sister and while they were there I got a call saying my grandma was not doing well. My dad went out to be with her and that started the long three almost four months of watching from a distance as my grandma slowly faded. I am so beyond thankful though my dad was in the position however, that he was able to be by her side. He and my aunt were able to watch out for her and make sure she had the best care in the last months of her life. There are moments, people you wish you could keep in a bubble and keep them safe forever.. My grandma was definitely one of those people. She was always a person I thought was going to live forever. So independent, so kind and loving, I only hope someday I can be as amazing as my grandma was!

Grandma died June 15, a Saturday, this past year while my dad was sleeping in the room with her. I remember the 16^th of June I went up to Portland for a girl’s day with one of my best friends Ashely… I needed her so much that day. So thankful for that girl and being there for me. Our family, minus my sister who was away at the time still, went out to Colorado that next week and got grandma’s house all ready for guests and the funeral. I was so blessed to be able to sing one of my Grandma and Grandpa’s favorite hymns at my grandma’s funeral, “In the Garden.” I sang it for her on the phone as well when I was telling her goodbye before she died…

Family is so incredibly important to me, it always has been, but going through those rough few months this past year really imbedded that love even more for my family. They are my people and I choose them everyday. Often enough people think because you are family and blood you automatically are stuck together for life or get along with each other, etc. but often enough that is not the case sadly. I am so beyond thankful every single day for my family.

After that rough spot I came back hoping to work through that loss, but hoping the year would get better for me. I however experienced another huge loss this past year when my kitty fluffy died in July. She had been my princess for 19 years and had seen me through high school, through college and all those tears, through the arrest of one of my best friends, through the death of my first dog, through the death of my grandma…. She had always been there. I held her in a little basket between my legs though as she held my finger with her paw before gracefully passing right in front of me. I still find myself to this day still looking out the window thinking I see her running by or expecting her to be in the crook of my knees when I wake up in the morning. Animals are such a huge part of your life, I’m so glad I have Melbourne my dog to help fill that gap a bit with animal love.

 

September I got to fulfill one of my destination bucket list items! I was able to hike Maroon Bells in Colorado for my birthday! I love the mountains and so was so happy I could escape to them for a bit in September. I also got to spend time with my other grandma who I know, but never really have gotten to know more… we road tripped together and I am still floored by what an incredible lady she is. I have so much love for her, and love how we clicked instantly. She has definitely become one of my closest friends. Xo

 

November my parents and I went to Guatemala for a two week mission trip with AIMS. I have never gone on a medical mission trip so it was an eye opening soul-searching trip for me. I recommend for everyone to go on a mission trip at least once in their lives. It changes your life, it reminds you of what you take for granted is really trivial and so many people can do without it. It really rekindled my desire to love as Jesus loved. To share my light and love with others and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is on this journey of life and we are all at different stages… be kind.

December really was my month for modeling. I broke more into the Portland modeling circle and have found and made some incredible new friends as well! I am so excited to see where these connections and this journey hopefully takes me in 2020! I’m so excited. I also was published in my first magazine this December as well as in a friend’s cookbook! So beyond honored to be a published model now.

There are so many other little moments in 2019 that happened and shaped me. That helped push me to become even more secure and confident in myself. 2019 was the start of my phoenix rise and I truly feel like 2020 will be my phoenix year. It will be my year to rise up and do incredible things! Here is to this brand new exciting year. J I can’t wait to go through this journey.

S’Agapo

Photo by Peter Garry